I sit here, PRAYING, that I can get this whole story out, completely, and in understanding. As I write this I sit here holding tears, heartache, joy, thankfulness, pure awe. For those of you who know the child I will be speaking of may need some tissues….and a chair. I know I did and still do.
I really hope this post really speaks multitudes to you. The last 24 hrs have been a whirl wind of emotions. And like my last blog post, you may or may not believe in God, but right now my faith is being strengthen.
So before I get to all the mushy stuff…….and get all serious on you guys. Remember, how I said God has been giving me pretty clear answers to prayers. Well, I let my Home Study agency know who we were pretty sure we were going with, she said that agency sounded great but to check out this other agency that was terrific. So I did. I emailed them, their website was AMAZING, I was a bit excited. When they responded back they said they weren’t able to help me. I was a bit confused, I mean, maybe they thought I was from outside of the states and not military related? So I responded and asked, “even if I am military, we are just stationed here?” A quick response back was, ” yes we don’t have the services to help you. I’m sorry.” hmm… interesting. I emailed my caseworker, she was surprised, considering she has 2 other people here in Japan using them. That blew my mind. God slammed that door….that door SHOULD of been open. Not for us though. It took me a good minute to really embrace how God took that one over. That was more confirmation for this other agency that I SWORE God had been leading us to this whole time.
(This part of the story you should sit for…..maybe get some tissues….this is where my eyes swell up and I get a lump in my throat, and I squeeze my kiddos even tighter)
Its Saturday morning, we have a busy day of events….my oldest Monster has his Boy Scout Banquet, I have to go set up for the Mother-Son Dance, grab my outfit, and attend the dance that evening. So the day was full of fun. I had planned to maybe throw some makeup on and knock one or two things off the to-do list before I left out the door for the day. However, that didn’t happen. I made my coffee, feed the kiddos, and started checking my email. Well, the agency we were going to go with sent out a mass email to let everyone know that they had new waiting children in another country.
hmmm….. I’m adopting from Bulgaria…so I really did not need to look…….but something kept tugging at me to look… and maybe God changed his mind?? I thought Maybe one child would scream out to me and say, pick me pick me. Well, that kind of happened. As I leaned against the kitchen counter enjoying the sun through the window and sipping on my wake up juice, I scrolled through these blurred photos of children. I thought it was strange that all these photos were blurred, but in my head I thought, “well, child confidentiality in that country must be different?” And then, I came across a blurred photo that….that I knew?
Yes you can read that again. (**and i warned you to sit**), That I KNEW.
A child I had known from thousands of miles away, that had touch over 20,000 peoples lives through his story, had thousand of peoples support, had hundreds of military men and women to Paula Dean and her staffs’ fingernails painted Gold for Childhood Cancer awareness, even Hunter Hays wore a shirt for him at one of his concerts, I had opened a business to raise funds for him and his family. This kid had a amazing story and the faith of a child for God. I wanted his faith so bad. I wanted to love God like he did. In every post his mom would put up you could see God through it. When this child had learned he was going to heaven, that his cancer was incurable, he was happy, he was excited about his new body he would get in heaven. I believe he even consoled his family by telling them what heaven was going to look like, dancing on streets of gold, and how he was going to ask Jesus to come back to earth sooner. I have a bracelet that “Knot Far From the Tree” made me with a quote that has always stuck to me from him. “I won’t be alone in heaven, God will be there.”
So as I stood there trying to process this photo, so many feelings came rushing to me. It was like a wound that was healed suddenly reopened and it was bleeding profusely and I couldn’t stop it. I was in panic mode. I knew this was him in the photo, we are almost at 4 years of him being gone from this world and now I’m looking at his photo on an adoption website, blurred.
I messaged this child’s aunt, nervous to even message his mom. I wanted to make sure i wasn’t going crazy? Maybe I had gotten the photos confused? The aunt agreed that it definitely looked like that professional photo that they had done before he passed.
So, now, here I was standing with information that I needed to present to the mother. I was so nervous…..Truthfully, I was petrified. How would one even start that conversation? How do you tell a mother of a child, that is not here anymore, that you saw their photo on a adoption page.
“Uh, ya, I just saw your dead son on a adoption webpage, it was blurred?”
::ugh:: I mean, I would hope it would come out better when I did tell her, but that was what came to mind.
As a mother, I was already consumed with so many feelings. I was so hurt, I was mad, I was confused, I was angry. how could someone take a child’s’ photo and use it? This is stuff you hear about and you think, it wont happen to me or my kids. Well, it can happen, dead or alive. I was a blubbery mess. I hadn’t talked to his mom in forever, and now I need to face her with this. My heart throbbed, the lump in my throat hurt and my kids are asking me, “mommy why are you crying?”. Mommy just has some tough things to do right now was the only response I could say. I messaged her and asked if I could call her. As I am getting ready to call her I’m praying for the right words,
“Hey, uh, so ya, were adopting….uh.”
She sweetly giggled and said, “yes I’ve been following that”
In my head all I could think was, GREAT, she probably thinks I’m calling for money? or, I don’t know? Amy, spit it out and just tell her already….
“so this morning….”
I proceeded to tell her what happened, I know she could hear my hurt and probably mentally see my tears through the phone. Oh, how it hurt to tell her that someone stole that photo. But, you know what happened next…. God.
God shown through her. She wasn’t surprised by the news. She was totally calm about it. “Amy, Jeremiah 17:9 says, ‘ The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?’, as i get older, less and less surprises me. Does this make this okay? No. And we knew this was bound to happen. And it doesn’t make it okay to steal photos.”
Wait? what? No pure fury or tears, all of which I had. I felt like a fish gasping for air through tears and trying to hide it over the phone. This womans faith. Amazing. The most she gave was a deep long sigh. I could of swore I would be consoling her, and yet she is on the other end, consoling me. She had went to the site and opened the actual file and saw that they had a disclaimer stating, for the child’s confidentially that the photo was not of the actual child and a “stock photo”. Which, honestly, did make me feel better….a bit embarrassed that I had reacted so quickly without even opening the file…still, THIS did not make taking that photo and using okay. This WAS NOT a stock photo. As we hung up, she was telling me,”Amy it will be okay, okay?” how could she be consoling me??? I felt some peace and praising god that the conversation went the way it did.
For the rest of the day, I just couldn’t shake so many questions that were on my mind. If an agency could take any photo and use it, whats to say that someone hasn’t taken my children’s photos without permission? Why would someone do that? I had one in a million chances to come across that photo. WHY did God send me there? Why did he make me go through that? Why did it feel like I was reliving the moment I found out this child had passed? or when my husband and I sat on the couch listening to the funeral over the internet since we couldn’t be there? Why did all of this hurt so bad? Is my God hearing off? I SWORE God was telling me, this is the agency. And now, I cannot even think to use them. I was so internally angry and sad allllllll day. My husband was in complete shock when I told him and he just held me while I shed more tears and kissed my head. Not really sure what to do or say. I went through out my day, really really really trying to be there…..physically I was, mentally not so much.
Sunday, we went to church, I was a bit excited to hear Pastor Bishops sermon. We have been on a Peter series. He caught everyone up on the last two weeks, the story of Peter and catching multitudes of fish with Jesus; how he walked out to Jesus on the water and sank out of losing faith. And today he talked about how Peter swam to shore to Jesus. The last couple weeks his sermon has really hit me, and I may of teared up a bit…. for those who know me…I AM NOT A CRIER…if I’m crying, its serious. So that says a lot. And then we sang the closing song, Oceans
“You call me out upon the waters, The great unknown where feet may fail. And there I find You in the mystery, In oceans deep, My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name, And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise My soul will rest in Your embrace, For I am Yours and You are mine….
…Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, Let me walk upon the waters Wherever You would call me, Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger, In the presence of my Savior”
So I may of had the BIGGEST lump in my throat and tears streaming without me being able to help it. (I’ve decided I need to bring the idea up to the church, that we need a tissue box in every pew…or at least mine).
In the last 24 hours I had felt so angry and upset and lost. Was I losing faith? Why would God do that to me? Why did he use me that way? He really did not need to close the door for that agency that way!
And then, when I least expect it…..God answers.
Amy, I love you. You are exactly where you need to be. Your daughter is out there. Thank you for being so faithful.
And then….in ONE DAY:
150 pieces to the puzzle were bought(that is 3000$)
A piece of jewelry was bought for 50$.
I randomly received a file from a Bulgarian woman I was introduced to by a friend with a huge list of Important Bulgarian words to know.
A message from someone else who wanted to donate some jewelry making stuff and jewelry pieces to help raise money for the adoption
And another message from someone saying they want to help and need to know how.
OH LORD! LORD! My heart Is Screaming. I’m BEYOND thankful!
I felt like Peter. (Matthew 14:28-31; 28 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.” 29 “Come,” he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”31 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?””
Oh how I felt like Peter. And how God turned this pain into joy and saved me. Why did I doubt? He has got this. I told Anthony that if this adoption was meant to be, God would make it be. Especially in the financial portion.
Our Homestudy is in 12 days….. its paid for in Full. (I’m crying over here)
The application fee to whatever agency we go with……its paid for(sobbing)
The first agency fee is starting to be taken care of. (I’m Drowning in tears)
PRAISE THE LORD. Oh how this last 24 hours has strengthen my faith. Oh how I will be Peter and swim to shore while the others paddle there… just so I can get to Jesus. “Who Needs a Boat Anyways?” was the title of today’s sermon… and I don’t.
What a Crazy 24 hours!
I warned you! I told you to sit!
*** ADOPTION AGENCY REMOVED PHOTO*** edit 2/28/17