Vacation! How I love vacation! For us, going back to USA and seeing all of family and friends was our vacation! I was so excited to get back, see everyone, and catch up. Well, with catching up comes with questions from your loved ones, for example:
- How is your new place?
- What is it like?
- Your boys are getting so big, are they in school there?
and then the big question:
- Are you guys planning to have any more kids? You got to try for that Girl.
Yes, that question.
Well, without hesitation my husband answered the first time we were asked (it felt like we were asked that question a lot on that trip), his response, “I think we are done having kids, I think we are going to adopt.”
I mean, this discussion had been brought up after we had lost our second baby in a miscarriage, but not since then. This was news to me. Luckily, I was on board either way. Adoption guarantees us a daughter. Looking at my husbands gene line, his brother has 6 boys and we have two boys, having a daughter did not look like it would be in my future. But third times a charm right? NO. Not always. So here we are deciding to adopt with a 100% of being “paper” pregnant with a little girl, gestation just longer.
YES sign me up!
I waited to confirm with my husband the decision to adopt after the third person had asked us about trying for a girl. I wanted to make sure I heard correctly. Once I finally confirmed it, it was like I had received a positive pregnancy test. My mind started going a mile a minute as I started researching everything I could! I was on the phone with friends who had adopted, praying crazily for patience and guidance, I started listening to podcasts(Adoption Now is an amazing one), researching, planning how I would do her room and how I was going to start cleaning it out once we got home, and thinking about where we would adopt.
Did you know there is so much you need to know about adoption? So many agencies! I had a million questions and I wasn’t even home yet. AND I was already driving everyone around me crazy with adoption talk. But really, wouldn’t you? Any moms out there remember the first time you were pregnant and you just wanted to share it with the world? Well, that was me, all I wanted to talk about was adoption and my daughter that was out there waiting for us. What color hair, skin, eyes, would she have? Would she even look like us? Or favor one of us more? I was adoption crazy.
A friend had connected me with a agency and a waiting child Facebook page. I scrolled the pages and came across the most beautiful little girl! I asked for her information and started going over numerous pages of medical information on her. I was in love! She had beautiful curls that had a hint of red through it, big blue eyes that smiled, and a smile that made your heart melt! She even looked like me. Now to get my husband on board.
It took me about a month to get him used to the idea. He was planning for the middle of this year and I was planning for my daughter that needed to come home now. Anthony was worried about the financial part, I was worried about leaving her where she was one more day. Once Anthony had finally warmed up to the idea, we had a doctor review her medical file. On Christmas Eve, after the holiday church service, the doctor gave us a positive overview of her files. I was overjoyed thinking that she was going to be ours. Anthony felt good about the idea, he asked for a couple days to think about it. I pretended to patiently wait but in my head my inner self was throwing a fit and being very irrational and impatient. It was so difficult to wait! I was 100% on board and if i was pregnant it would of been considered early labor!
A couple days later, I was going over her file one more time. I came across a file that I had somehow missed before that made me nervous. It was a file on her spine and spinal cord. I quickly emailed the doctor to bug him for his expertise. Once again, waiting patiently on answers. My heart started to break slowly as I tried looking up some of the potential issues. I knew my husband would not be on board if he had read the file.
I received word from the doctor, stating him and a few of his colleagues weren’t sure on diagnosis and a lot of it would be a waiting game to see how her body develops. She would need follow ups yearly and most likely she would never be able to participate in contact sports. As I read that, I knew, I knew my husband would not be happy with that.
As I informed Anthony on the results he gave me a look of sadness. Was he falling for this precious angel? We went over all the pros and cons and realized how unfair it would be for us to take her. We have two rough and tumble boys who wrestle daily with their daddy. Many laughs and fun is shared. If we were to have this little girl here she would want to join in. She would want to share those moments too. If anything were to happen during that play time it would devastate us. So, after many “buts” and “what ifs” we had to say No.
My heart was broken, I lost my daughter. I was set on her! I cried and grieved for days. It was so incredibly difficult to make that decision. Friends who knew about her and our path already were so amazing and showered me with love and encouragement. “Don’t worry, your daughter is out there waiting for you”, “We are here for you”, “Maybe God used her to jump start you process and learn more about adoption”. Well, I have to say God works in crazy ways. She sure did jump start our path.
Since, we had thought we were going to get her, we had started our home study process. And it is a good thing we did. Our case worker has 4 other families in the Tokyo area and will be here next month. If we would of waited to start our process then we would have to pay more on her lodging and airfare. Now, we get to split the fare with 4 other families and potentially pay a little less than what we would of paid if we waited for the middle of the year. I know that God has a plan and he opens and closes doors for a reason,
I know our daughter is out there. I know we will find her. I know that the daughter I lost will be loved! There was a line of potential families waiting to get the opportunity to adopt her. I know that she WILL find her forever family. She will be my forever prayer.
So back to our search. We have started our fundraiser and narrowing down our choices on where to adopt. My sweet angel out there, your forever family is looking for you, praying for you, and loving you from afar.